Why my blog is now private....

Tuesday I came home to drop off kids on the one of two days I work and we found our house had been broken into. Not much was taken, a big screen TV, some of Jordan's xbox games and dvd's and our two lap tops. I have a new Mac..(christmas present) ....GRRR!!...and on it has all of our family pictures, the girls pictures and our blog is bookmarked at the top. I am typically not a worrier and at first it didn't bother me too much. The night after the break in I woke up panicked about the girls. I know myself enough to know when I have a "check" about something to pay attention to it so I quickly closed down the blog. Since I have no access to internet except thru phone and work I have waited until I was able to get to my office to send this out.
We really feel like these guys were interrupted and left before they were finished...the girls room is in the back of the house they hadn't touched it except for unpugging their TV...they left a duffel bag in our room empty but with several things on the floor as if they were going to put them in there (A brand new Ipod unopened for my SIL who had her cancer surgery yesterday, a family ring my mom left me, etc.), they hadn't gone thru all the drawers in our room yet...

We have neighbors who have survellience cameras and the cameras did catch them walking down the street, standing out in front of our house a few minutes then one disappearing around the back where they busted down the back door, followed a couple minutes later by the second guy. The camera's also caught a pick up pulling in our driveway and then backing out as if they turned around which happens often...people turning around in our driveway....We think this is what scared them off.

I  do intend to keep blogging altought it may be without pictures for awhile....Sunday I am flying to Charleston with friends and Tuesday am going to be able to spend time with Jennifer & Abby Grace...Jin Jin from Hudson's orphanage...his first and very dear friend, sure wish I was taking him with me. Madi is in DC right now on a school trip and she just celebrated her 15 b'day...I still haven't put our 2nd Gotcha Day pictures up.....SO much to catch up on.

We don't do banking on our home computers so we aren't worried about that but the kids did have projects/homework on them. Jordan just turned in a huge research paper. It was completed but they are having do do revisions so it will just need to all be typed again. Bummer, but at least it was finished and printed out. THANKFULLY a short time ago I finally backed up all of our China pictures and all the last pictures of my mom from our winter/spring there last year. I had NEVER done this but learned after our last computer crashed so I am grateful I have those things. Although they messed things up by tearing apart drawers they didn't break things which I am also so grateful for...I LOVE pottery and my mom had give me several pieces from my favorite potter..she also had made me several things (beautiful quilts, wall hangings) they could have destroyed so again, things could have been much worse. My dad has also made several pieces of furniture for us and once again, they didn't destroy things.

 I ask you to pray for us. We feel like since we have come home with Hudson things have been nothing but "hard". Not with Hudson, he is absolutely wonderful and worth every other thing but we are a bit worn out.

First, financially we have really been hit and we can't quite figure out why. We tithe, we are not extravagant spenders, we live very modestly. We pretty much cleaned out all we had to get him home, take all the kids and surgeries. Of course we have had unexpected medical bills with two ambulance rides, his whole sieizure stuff, extra specialists, tests, etc. My mom's cancer diagnosis, then my SIL (who is doing great btw).

I mentioned a few months ago that Kailee is leaving TCS and another change and that would be Jordan. Jordan LOVED living in MN and has begged to go back since. After MUCH prayer for a year, we have decided to let him finish his sr. year in MN. It was a very hard decision not made lightly but we both feel at peace with it. Jordan will be 18 in June and we held him back when we went from homeschooling to TCS...he was a young 6th grader and small and although academically is a great student we felt in the long run this would be better for him. That means he would be graduating and going off to college in the fall so all of the things that were concerns we would have been facing anyway had we not held him back...basically, letting your first born go....he is actually doing a whole extra year of school since he repeated a grade when we enrolled him at TCS...he is pretty ready to be out from under us...just has that itch. We are excited to see what God will do in the Jordan's life and the lives of his friends in MN. they have become dear boys to our family and we know that we will have relationships with them and possibly their famlies for years to come and hopefully for eternity. All that said...I am entering the last month of my boy at home. I see the bond he and Hudson have now and I am sad for both of them...Hudson will ask to sleep in his room at night, etc..Jordan is very protective of him and it is so sweet to watch. Jordan is also feeling it and as with a boy turning man he has had stress with SAT's, college choices, career choices. It is very likely he will end up going to college in MN so I feel like he will be gone forever....he is working in MN this summer so he leaves as soon as school is out. I am sad to be missing out on all his sr year stuff...I will SO miss watching him play soccer which has been his love (three state trips and the last I didn't see as they lost in the finals just as my mom was taking her final breaths on this earth). He is wanting to play football (Kick) in MN and BB and it will be painful to not be able to watch all of those activities. Especially when I see the boys he grew up with here doing all those things but "In The Light Of Eternity"...it is nothing.....

We have really made some "Crazy Love"..(based on the book which has changed our lives)...decisions and one is deciding not to move out of our 2100 foot, 3 br house BUT moving the girls into our VERY LARGE master br, taking their small br and moving Hudson to Jordan's room when he leaves. Up until now Hudson has stayed in our room. This has worked fine but he will be 5 in the fall and needs to not be sleeping with us (although he is not in our bed)...we need it too!!! Anyway, we feel burdened to give away more and pay off debt and didn't want to increase our house payment. We did want more room for the girls and their friends. Kailee is going to public school in the fall and we hope she will be bringing home girls we could love on and minister to. I am seeing so many 7 and 8th grade girls that are prgt and wanting STD testing at the center , coming from very different situations than my kids know. We just want a place the kids can have kids over to hang out. We have also started talking adoption again BUT since we began all of this we feel like money is less and less. We are on the verge of frustration but also know 1. FAITH is what it is all about (not just adoption, life in general). 2. We live in a fallen, sinful world and stuff like cancer, death, sickness, robberies, etc just happen. We don't feel attacked by Satan or tested by God (not even sure if that is scriptural)....we know life is about living it in a way that reflects Him and doing what He asks...we truly feel like we have more orphans to care for (and just started sponsering two)...my heart ACHES to have one more little girl...feeling Anja is still out there and yet...we are met with road block after road block. I do know that we have time...maybe next year, maybe the next and I am willing to be patient (again, I waited 15 years for Hudson) but I just want to run the race with endurance and not let the situations around us get us down...knowing He is bigger than it all, He works all things together for good and He is building our character...(We also made the decision NOT to buy a new car and keep our Expedition and pay it off. So,,a month later we  sunk $36OO into it due to two different situations, just got it back last week.  . This was money we had set aside for getting Jordan a car which he will need when in MN.

SO...there you have it...I just ask that you pray for the kids. They are still a little freaked out...due to the help of our neighbors and my very motivated criminal justice, lawyer husaband  we have the names of the two guys who broke in..they were questioned but probably won't be arrested (don't get it, our TV was in one of the guys apts ....) but it will really bother the kids knowing nothing will happen to them legally. They also feel unsafe. We truly, truly feel that this is the home we are suppose to be in. We want it to be a safe haven for our own kids and others so we pray that they will feel that....

I watched Francis Chan's interview about leaving his church in Simi Valley recently...he said "I wasn't staying heavenly minded"....I LOVE that and pray God will do whatever He needs to do in our lives to keep us "heavenly minded"....this is not our home!!!!

and 13 makes three...

....teenagers that is.  It is hard to believe that my baby girl is 13 today.  We will be heading to Dallas after school today with one of Kailee's best friends who turns 13 next week to celebrate teenage style.  Dinner out (PF CHANGS??), shopping, nails, a movie and a night in a hotel  A fun girl night with the girls and Katie's mom.  

We are especially thankful today as we think back on my Memorial Box Monday post.  Life is SO precious and we were reminded of that again last night..BUT..today we are grateful our kids are healthy and here to celebrate!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAILEE ELIZABETH....WE LOVE YOU!!!!!

Asking for Prayer Again.....

I hope this finds all of you having a Blessed Easter.  We are enjoying having my niece Abby here and her boyfriend Justin, visiting from MN.

We are also praying for my sister-in-law Amy and my brother Bob.  Amy was diagnosed with cancer last week.  She had a good report Friday after her CT scan and we are praying for good news tomorrow as she has a ultrasound to determine what stage she is at.    Amy finished nursing school last spring and was a huge help to us in caring for my mom this fall.   Please visit her sight and let her know you are praying for her and her family.  Her daughter Grace and Hudson are buddies and we again wish we lived closer to help more.  Love you Bob, Amy, Luke & Grace!!!

www.caringbridge.org/visit/amytollef

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Spring Break 2010

Enjoying the spring weather in Aggie Land

St. Patricks Day Chocolate Chip Pancakes

School days...and taking risks!

Jordan recently had a large role in his school play "Beauty & The Beast"..now, acting is NOT one of his loves but he is taking Drama and it was required.  He was irritated he had landed such a big role but this mama knew from the time he was a little boy that he would be gifted in "drama"...he is quite the entertainer.  He did a great job and begged me to not post pictures but kids don't always get what they ask for...one day he will be glad.  

I have felt sorry for their drama teacher with this crew!!!! She said they kept her laughing!

Jordan also finished up basketball season.  His school has been very successful in sports, winning state basketball championships and state soccer championships.  In fact I am enjoying the QUIET of my home as the entire family is at the girls state basketball final game.  I planned on going but then realized I could have about 6 straight hours of a Saturday alone and opted to stay behind...I am with the girls in spirit!!!

I have to brag on my kids here...they are all SO brave!!!  There will be some changes next year, one I am not yet at liberty to discuss publicly but the other one is Kailee will be leaving TCS next year for public school.  This decision involved many factors but ultimately Kailee wanted to try public school after her experience last year in MN.   By a total fluke we found out last week the school she would be going to was having cheerleading tryouts this past week for next years 8th graders.  She has cheered for two years at TCS and was on a gymnastics team so she can tumble REALLY WELL.  She is one of those that is just gifted athletically and can dance too!  She decided to tryout so for the last three days has spent the afternoons with 40 other girls she didn't know learning the cheers and dances.  Tryouts were last night and she made it!!!  In fact when her turn was over the judges asked if she would stay until everyone had left and asked her to come back in and tumble for them.  The girl pulled out a roundoff and three backhand springs in a row...she said she was so nervous as she hasn't done any flipping since Dec 08 when when she was on the gymnastics team.  Way to go Kailee!!!  (this was the girl that almost didn't make it, see Memorial Box Monday below)

My bible study is studying "Chasing Daylight" and is is about making the most out of lifes mundane moments and taking risks!!  We have tried to expose our kids to risks as they have grown up and we are thrilled that we see them choosing to do risky things on their own...Now..I am not talking foolish risks but as Erwin McManus writes:

"It has become an acceptable part of pop theology that the safest place is to be in the center of the will of God.  I am not saying that this statement is ill-intended, but it is misdirected and misinformed.  Whatever the motivation the result as brought more damage than good. If the safest place to be is in the center of the will of God then an appropriate measure of God's will is the test...Is it safe?

The inversion of this framework has clearly affected our Western faith.  We have concluded that God promises's safety.  Those who are outside of God's will, will experience danger.  You cannot have risk and guarantee safety.  Out pop-theology has eliminated the place for risk and insulated us with a comfort and security theology.  The view runs counter to what is found in the Scriptures.  I want to reiterate the fact that the center of God's will is not a safe place, but the most dangerous place in the world.  God fears nothing and no one.  God moves with intentionality and power.  To live outside God's will puts us in danger, but to live in His will makes us dangerous.  When we begin to seek our divine moments , we do not begin to live risk free, but instead free to risk"!!!

Wow...I read this after our decision was made in the above two areas...I am SO excited for the opportunities both of these situations will provide our kids and our families with.  We have felt like we are kind of living in a spiritual bubble.  School and church take up a lot of our time and little time is left for reaching out to the lost (ironic isn't it?).  I know I am leaving a lot out but we know we will be judged for our decisions by some but that is ok.   To add on to what McManus says I think the more dangerous thing is to not be obedient to what God is calling us to and again..a lot of the time if not ALL the time that involves risk.  It may not always turn out well in the end...failure is very possible.  He also writes "Failure can shape us, change us, teach us and motivates us.   You do yourself a disservice when every story has a happy ending in life.  It's far more important that there be a meaningful middle.  So often, we're paralyzed in our fear to do the wrong thing, and it is important to always move forward with all the wisdom possible....in the  midst of the process , there is a great deal of imperfection".  

I think of some of you who have pursued a child and that hasn't had a happy ending.  You took a risk, with your heart first of all and oh, how that hurts but I pray that there has been a "meaningful middle".  

I never want to be seen as predictable or my life as predictable,,,that kind of makes me sick to my stomach...I want to always be open and asking "what next?"  Life is SUCH a journey and although it can be filled with many mountains and deep valleys if we keep moving it will take us far beyond what we can see!!!

Now I am off to crank my IPOD and clean my house ALL BY MYSELF!!!! Wohoo!!!  

my first Memorial Box Monday!!!!

There are some blogs that I just can't live without yet...well, that may be dramatic but there are a few I really wouldn't want to live without. Linny's is one of them...I have followed her for awhile and recently went back and read through her entire blog...girls, if you want to have your faith built read about the way she lives her life. I fully believe that God desires for all of us to live in awe of "OUR MIRACLE-WORKING, MOUNTAIN-MOVING, AWE-INSPIRING, GASP-GIVING GOD!"....Linny's words.  She encourages her readers to somehow keep track of the way God has been BIG in their life and she bases it on this: "In the Old Testament God tells the Hebrew nation to build a Memorial of stones to remember what He had done. He goes on to say that everytime they see the stones they are to remember and tell their children the story of His faithfulness and then to tell their children's children. So why did God tell His people to do that? Just for fun? No!! He did it cause He knew how forgetful they would be and that they would need to constantly tell the story over and over to remember His faithfulness"

So, this is my first Memorial Box Monday.

Kailee was a baby, just 5 months old. Mark was in his final
year of law school and life was simple but busy with three young kids, Mark working full time and going to school at night.
Kailee was a petite thing, although she weighed 8.3 when she was born in 5 months she had gained just under 3 lbs. She was very healthy, reaching development milestones much earlier than the other two and the easiest baby I had had so far. At about 5 1/2 months she quite having bowel movements. She had been strictly a breast fed baby so after a few days I called the dr. to ask if I should be concerned. They told me no. At the time we had great insurance. A $5 co-pay and 100% coverage...(oh for those days!!) BUT..IF you didn't have an appt....you weren't covered by insurance. We were on a shoestring budget and buying diapers was hard at the time so unneeded dr. visits were unthinkable to us. A few more days passed and still no bm's and she began to get uncomfortable. I called again, asking to be seen and when the nurse called me back she told me to just give her a suppository...ok...young mom, no sense...I did. Nothing. I called again a few days later, "no, don't come in, give her an enema"..ok...young mom, no sense...I did. Still nothing. Well, believe it or not this went on for 17 days.  She quit eating, was in obvious pain, and wouldn't sleep.  When Mark or I would try to pump her legs she would stick them straight out and believe it or not we could not bend them.  She also began to smell...like rotting meat.  It was really awful.  The 17th day was a Friday and that morning I again called the dr.'s office to beg to be seen.  I was told the nurse would call me back.  Now, this was a dr. who had seen me thru two deliveries and several kid appt's, someone who knew me.  I had not received a call by the end of the office day so I called back.  The staff had gone for the day so I was told the dr. on call would call me back.  He did and when I told him what was going on he told me again to give her an enema.  When I told him she stunk he told me "all babies poop stinks"...I told  him, "she is NOT pooping" to which he replied.  "Well, if she hasn't gone by Monday call back".  

I really was frantic now but still to dumb to put her in the car and head to the ER...$$ was always in the back of my mind.  I called my mom who was a nurse.  She had always been so good to never interfere with my parenting but she said "Sharon, you need to take her to the ER"...it was about this time that Kailee had finally falling alseep....a hard sleep for the first time in days and I thought..."ok, in the morning".  

Saturday morning comes and we load the kids up to head to our dr.'s office which saw patients until noon.  We were seen by a resident and her advice was the same.  Suppositories and enemas and she was sending me on my way.  I told her I wasn't leaving until THEY made her go.  She was obvious flustered and left the room.  By this time it was after 12, we had been there since they opened at nine and Mark had taken the other kids to his sisters so I was alone.  I heard the resident on the phone with the attending dr. and I heard her say "she won't leave"....FINALLY she came back and told me she was sending me to the ER where the attending physician was on call.  Fine with me...I packed up Kailee with some x-rays they had taken and headed to the ER.  Once she was admitted and the ER dr. took a look at her x-rays fear registered on his face.  He told me he was sending me immediately to the Children's Hospital.  I made the drive across town and they were waiting for me.  I was SO relieved someone was taking me seriously that it didn't really register to me the seriousness of what was going on.  Once we were admitted in a room UPSTAIRS...a pediatric gastroenterologist came in and said "Your daughter is very sick and I will be honest with you, I don't know if she will live through the night".....Have you ever had one of those moments when time kind of stands still?  I was still alone as Mark was making his way back to me after getting the kids settled at his sisters and I remember asking him..."You mean she could die?"...I just didn't get it....he said "yes" and explained to me she was SO full of BM...her tummy was huge and distended and hard as a rock.  He said if her intestines burst, which was a real possibility, her little body would be poisoned with e-coli and there would be nothing they could do.  He was taking her down to the ER immediately for a biopsy and to hopefully "clean her out a bit" but she was so impacted and it was so hard it would be difficult.  

They explained to me they suspected she had a condition where the intestines are missing the cells which push the bm out.  It is a fairly common condition and found at birth..the reason they want the baby to have a bm before leaving hospital.  They asked me if she had but I couldn't remember...third baby.....it wasn't a monumental event.  They gave me a check list of about 12 characteristics of babies with this condition and Kailee had about 9 of them including low weight gain.  

They did the biopsy and we would have to wait 3 days for the results.  They had cleaned her out a little in the OR but said the next 24 hours would be critical.  

At the time we were going to a fantastic church and had gotten plugged into a small group that had become our family.  I called our good friends/leaders and asked them to pray.  Our church was having a special service that evening and time was taken just to pray for Kailee.  By the next day word had spread world wide and she was even prayed for on a national Christian TV show...   

Well, she made it through the night and the next day they took her back to the OR to clean her out more.  They had given her something to soften up her bowels so they could remove the BM and so we were given the VERY GOOD news that she was past the critical stage, she would live and now we would just have to wait for the results of the biopsy.  IF she had the suspected diagnosis she would need surgery to remove the dead part of her intestine and they would give her a colostomy for about six months while her intestines healed and then re-attach her intestines.  K...we could do that BUT...our prayer was for healing apart from surgery.  

Let me stop here and say I could feel the prayers of God's people.  Even that first night I went into a state of such peace.  Maybe it was shock but I believe it was that peace that passes understanding.  SO many people were praying for us, people around the world we didn't know and it was powerful.  

Well, the day before the results were due I had to quit nursing Kailee because they expected surgery as soon as the results came in and she couldn't eat.  This was horrible because she so wanted the comfort of nursing and I couldn't.  Whenever I held her she would cry to be nursed so I couldn't even really hold her when she was awake.  Her veins were continually blowing out and she was having to be re-stuck over and over for IV's.  She was traumatized and hungry.  Mark's mom had just come into town a few days before she went in the hospital and she was a God-send...spending the days and nights with me as Mark was maintaing his school/work schedule....she is someone you want to have around you in a crisis situation!!!   She spent a lot of time holding an inconsolable baby!!!

The results were in and they were positive..she would need surgery the following morning.  We continued to pray for healing....

The next morning the nurse came in and told me the dr. had decided to do another biopsy...I asked her why and she told me "I don't know...he has never done this"....this time it was a a different kind so the results would be in by the end of the day....Late in the afternoon a resident came in and told us the results were in and they were NEGATIVE....the dr. would be by later.  When our surgeon came by later he told me she had the cells in this second biopsy but he was keeping us another couple of days to run several tests as to WHY this happened.  After 5 days total and several tests later we were sent home with no answers and orders to follow up with our surgeon the following week.  

When I went for our post-op our surgeon again told me they could find nothing wrong with her.  I asked him about her different biopsy results and he told me "I will be honest with you.  I saw you pray for her, I watched people come to your room and pray for her and I saw all the scriptures you had posted on her bed and around your room.  I am a Christian and the night before her surgery the Lord told me to do another biopsy.  She had no cells on the first biopsy and on the second one she did.....I believed the Lord healed her...." He went on to tell me he truly believed she would not have lived 12 more hours....

Kailee never EVER had another problem.  She began crawling in her crib in the hospital, began walking at 9 months and although she is still little bitty...(.her middle name is Elizabeth and we call her "lil bit".)....she is strong and healthy!!!  We can't wait to see how God's plan for her life is lived out!

HE DESERVES ALL THE GLORY FOR HEALING KAILEE...I WILL FOREVER BE GRATEFUL TO THE MANY THAT PRAYED BOLDLY & BELIEVED FOR HER HEALING...

I learned a HUGE lesson.... that $$ would NEVER EVER stand in the way again of getting our kids the help they need and that you FIGHT for your kids when they can't...hmmmm,,,,sounds a lot like a journey in adoption.....but that is for another Monday....

Why Is It Sad?

We almost daily wonder where Hudson gets some of the interesting things he says.  Yesterday he was eating breakfast at the counter where I had these flowers and he said 

"Why are these flowers sad? (pointing to the wilted ones?)  When Mark said, "well, they are dying, someone cut them" and Hudson replied "Well, who would hurt them?"  

Last night we were watching a movie and a little girl was on it.  Hudson wasn't paying any attention until he heard her voice.  He looked up at the TV and then whispered to me..."that girl is cute..." 

By the way, Gerber Daisy's were my mom's favorite flower and when I saw these at the store on Valentines Day I just had to have them....I have since thrown out the wilted ones and am enjoying the remaining two a big longer...