October 9th.....

....a day we will remember forever because this is the day we saw this precious face

it is hard to believe it has been three years since we got the call I had waited for, for 15 years.  

Yesterday I went with Hudson on his first field trip.  Love the look in his eyes here, so different than the sad, scared eyes of above...

It was a simply perfect day with beautiful weather, good friends and my favorite 5 year old!  

Couldn't end this post without giving Him praise and thanksgiving for allowing us to parent this sweet gift from China.
(you can read here about that day, wish I could call you today mom and we could reminise...miss you always!!)

This seems to be the perfect time to post the following.  I found this thru my friend Rachelle's blog and it is absolutely the heart of adoption....it is why I love the adoption community

less than twelve months ago i was a mom of two bio kids.
today i have three bio and one adopted.

it did not come easy.
i will not lie and say i did not toss and turn about it.
i prayed and prayed for timing for us and for the child.
i asked God to make me willing.
i asked God to open my heart.

i went to Haiti.
with my own two eyes "i saw".
i saw so much beauty, pain, but all came wrapped in need.
my heart was so open i left wounded.
i wanted to run somewhere and pretend i had not seen such life.
i wanted to forget stories i heard.
i wanted to forget eyes that looked at me with hope.

as much as i wanted to.
i chose to not.

i came home and tossed and turned some more.
a lot more.

i thought of the boy i met.
i thought of what would be best for him.
i thought of the babies i carried.
i thought of the sound of roosters.
i thought of the sound of children laughing.
i thought of the lady i met on a random walk lifting her shirt to show me her hungry belly...
who next handed me her baby...
i thought of how my heart was just handed to me.
i thought about how weak i am.
i thought about how our life was in a good place.
i thought about how our kids were happy.
i thought about how i was happy.
i thought about all the obstacles.
i thought about how we would never get the money.
i thought our families would not accept it.
i thought adoption would be too hard.
i thought it might tear our family apart.
i thought i might not be a good adoptive mom.
i thought i might not love him like i should.

i thought about it a lot.

then one day.
licia posted about the need she had for a family to do some water walking.
she needed someone to adopt the little boy we loved, ronel.
i thought i wanted to be that family.
after so much time thinking it became so simple.
we have love, we have a house, we are a family, we can be his family.
all of my fears were subsided in that moment.

yes, we will do it.
yes.
yes, we will give this one boy a family.
yes, we can do that.

i chose to adopt because God opened my heart.

my wish is that every family would choose to adopt.
i know that cannot happen.
and probably should not. (although, i struggle with that)
but can you imagine if we all did.

singles, newly marrieds, marrieds with young children, married with older children,
empty nesters...

we might see a world that would have more love than greed.
we might.

i will not lie and say that adoption has been easy.
ronel has been home for less than a year.
it has been a hard year.
we have had easy circumstances and it is still hard.
we have never felt more financial strain.
we have never had fewer date nights.
we have never been more alone.
we have never had to give so much.

BUT...

this is what loving like Jesus is, right?
sacrifice?

what i have read about him was raw and hard and honest and hard and raw.
he loved so much that he literally died so that i could have life.
all i did was invite this little boy to live in our already life.

our life was not meant to be easy.
it was not meant to be about us.
that is just what the American Dream tries to sell us.
actually life was meant to be shared, to be given.
this crazy hard season is life.
we have never served another more.
this is ministry.
the kind you don't get paid for. the kind that people don't see.


all of this has been desperately weighing on my heart.
and sitting on my tongue.
i want to share so much about my feelings toward adoption.
it is just so close to my heart that i keep it guarded.
and by close, i mean raw.

tonight my emotions are raw enough to say this...

the orphans of the world...
they need families to do some water walking.
is it your turn to step out of the boat?

"...take me to the hard places"

So here I am again, in that place of vague disatisfation....I have ALWAYS asked the Lord why I am here?  Not here on this earth but here in the United States....I have longed since I was a child to live in a foreign land and really thought I was headed there after a stint with YWAM, and Mark felt the same way...until the day he could not turn away the voice he believed to be God calling him to law school.  So, 18 years later I am doing to me what is not eternal...helping Madalyn with a history project, killing the fire ants in my front yard, making a grocery list, another load of laundry.    Don't get me wrong, these things have to be done but "In the light of Eternity" what significance do they have?  Yes, raising our kids to know Him IS eternal but that can be done anywhere and how much more impactful would it be to be doing it in Africa or India or China where we could serve and love those who have nothing?  Who don't have a church on every corner...or health, or freedoms?  My heart aches for these lands and I am so uncertian as to why God doesn't say "YES" to our constant prayer of "Lord send us"...Mark is willling, he has researched jobs in other countries, we have prayed to the Lord together to go and yet the "things" of our life  keep us here.  Law school loans we are still paying, a house payment, soon college.  I have the personality that includes being a  "visionary" and so I know that God can do ANYTHING...He brought us Hudson, a vision and dream I had also had since being a young girl and a 15 year prayer request.  Today he feel asleep on the couch and when I looked over at him, his beautiful asian eyes closed in sweet sleep I was caught  so off guard.  He is a real life dream sleeping on my couch...LOVE that after 2 1/2 years I still have to pinch myself that he is real.  BUT, I want to do it again.  If I can't go live somewhere else I want to bring him home a younger sister or brother, China, Ethiopia, a bi-racial child here...I don't care.  I want to take care of the orphans and yet financially it just isn't possible right now....not that we don't have the extra $$, we didn't before either, it just is so much more than that....and truly without the Lord making a way it won't happen.  

I do not feel this way because I don't "do" anything here...my job is working in a ministry where we share the gospel daily and support young moms who are facing uncertian futures.  I help lead a bible study, I am heavily involved in our church and I volunteer as often as I can at the kids' schools.....but its still here...vague disatisfaction.  

I looked at a blog today I haven't looked at in months and she summed up everything I was feeling...

f we are really following Jesus, we will go to the hard places. Being a Christ follower means being acquainted with sorrow. Because we must know sorrow to be able to fully appreciate Joy. Joy costs pain, but the pain is worth it.

So we go. This is where our family is today and where I hope to stay – loving, because He first loved us. Going into the pit, entering into the sorrow because He entered for us first and because by His grace, redemption is on the other side - again, and again, and again.

So, again...I tell the Lord "take me to the hard places"...

Turning 5

Six months after Hudson came home he turned 3 and I remember thinking "5 is SO soon".....I don't know what it is about turning 5.  I guess it is the start of a new chapter in life, departure from toddlerhood and the launch into school days.  When they turn 5 they are no longer babies, I think it is when you first start to see them pull away.  It is halfway to 10 and that is SO big and the time goes so fast.  I did not think this way when my other three were little.  Partly because when my oldest was 5, I had a 3 yr old and 1 yr old....partly because I was young and having teenagers was SO far away but mostly because in the midst of zoo field trips and planning simple birthday parties we are waiting for college acceptance letters in the mail and shopping for homecoming dresses.

September 13 was the day in our house, not sure if that is Hudson's true birthday but the date that was given to him so we will go with that.   He was found on the 19th and I am thinking about celebrating that day instead as it truly was the day that changed his life.  I think SO much of his mom (and dad) on that day and the heartbreak I am certian they felt as they left him in a very public place to be found quickly.  SO wish they were part of our life to help us celebrate this fantastic kid.

When Hud woke up Septemeber 13 and the girls told him "Happy Birthday" he looked down at his body, arms and legs and with total seriousness said "but I'm not bigger".  When Kailee explained to him that you don't grow overnight he said "Well, why am I five then?"  See, they want to be big so badly.  He spent the morning of the 13 at preschool and I brought up cupcakes to help celebrate.  He was thrilled to share this day with all of his new friends.  We then headed down to Dallas for a scope and the decision about the next surgery.  He was a trooper as they numbed his nose and threaded a tiny camera down his right nostril to watch the movement, or lack of, of his palate (more on that later).  We got home late and just had a simple celebration with cake before heading off to bed.  He told everyone all week that he really didn't turn 5 until his birthday party Saturday.

On Saturday he finally could be 5 as we had just a few of his closest friends join us to help celebrate.   He is very proud of the fact that he is "older than Calli"..he must have told us this 10 times throughout the day.  In fact, the other day when we were talking about the upcoming field trip to the zoo and he was telling me giraffes were taller than all the other animals he added "just like I am older than Calli"...(again, what is it about 5??)

I am grateful that we get to watch this sweet boy grow....in just a few short days it will our third anniversary of "the call"....how can it be?

"So much depends on......and your big cardboard box"

Hudson LOVES to read books and this is one of his favorites.  It is one of my favorites also as it so simply sums up the life of a iittle boy and the simplicity of their days.  I also love that it came from some of my mom's dearest friends in the country "neighborhood" I grew up in (meaning, the next house was over a few hills and down the dirt road).  

But what I love most about it is what it says in the inside flap:

"The simple playthings, the everyday moments, picking up the hundredth rock-all of these are brimming with possibilities......if you slow down and let the future begin with the small moments of today.  Because everything depends on letting a little boy.....be a little boy

Just think about that last line.  We have got to let our little boys be the little boys God created them to be as their future and their families futures depend on it.  

One thing that drives me crazy is watching moms stifle their little boys.  These bundles of energy who accompany everything they do by a noise (have you ever stopped and listened to them? They typically cannot do much without adding a sound effect...) are made that way for a reason.  They need to play loud and hard and rough so one day they can grow up and be hardworking, protective leaders of their families.  Let them get dirty and messy and stinky.  They clean up.  Let your houses become playgrounds filled with possibiities (and believe me I am a neat freak and have to go to bed with a picked up house but thats the great thing...it can always be picked up).  Let them create and imagine and dream....if only we had more men who dreamed big instead of letting the world define them.  The other day inside his big cardboard box, and that is exactly how he refers to it, Hudson had an empty paper towel holder as a car tunnel and an empty egg carton as his car shop.  Let them wrestle hard with dad, he is training him (and they don't even know it), take apart that bug, jump in the puddle, climb the tree to that higher branch, get up from a fall without a big scene from mom. let him be a risk taker!!  Do you know boys see scars as a good thing?  Jordan LOVES when he has an injury that leaves a scar, kind of like a medal representing that particular battle.  He has one on his wrist from falling on a a nail during a dig thru old debris.  He has one on his chin from jumping down from a high hallway shelf.   Your son was made to be adventurous!!!   Yes, they can wear you out but oh the sweetness of their simplicity. 

So, yes Hudson has a big cardboard box and although we live in a small house with one living room his big cardboard box can often be found wherever he is.....and the other night, he asked to sleep in it.  My answer???? "ABSOLUTELY, i'll help you make your bed!!!"
(and you know who was most impressed that Hudson slept in his box all night?....his big brother!!!)

"Little boy, you remind me how so much depends on days made of now."  

(from the last page of the book)

(and check out my friend Branda's new blog appropriately entitled "days made of now"  

Wordless Wednesay

First Day of School 2010

Four kids, three different schools, three different and very new situations made for a busy first week.  

Madalyn started three days before the other three kids.  It is her first year of highschool and she says it is strange not running into Jordan or Kailee.  Hudson is at the same school but down at the other end and their paths do not cross.  She is enjoying vollyball and the social life of a teenager. 

Kailee began her last year of middle school.  It is a MUCH different atmosphere but she is enjoying it and having fun connecting with friends kindergarten and her soccer playing days.  She is in the second week of Vollyball tryouts and will cheer at her first football game in two weeks.  

 

Another first for my two favorite boys.  Jordan began his Sr. year at the public high school.   He is enjoying it and we just sent off his first college application.   Hudson started pre-K 4 and as we knew he would he is thriving.  I realized as I took this picture that next year my baby will start Kindergarten and my oldest will start college.    Thinking about it now gets me teary so I will choose to be in denial.  

Took this with my iphone and enlarged it so it is terrible quality but this captures Hudson's excitement as we dropped him off.  I was anticapting a hard morning with tears from me as we have never sent one off to preschool since I homeschooled for several years.  Thinking of where Hud was just a little under 2 1/2 years ago and the opportunities available to him now makes my heart swell with gratitude that WE get to be part of his life.    Well no time for tears as he couldn't get into his class soon enough and waved us on.   It all happened so fast and there we were, Mark and I, just looking at each other like "ok, guess we go on with the day"....very anticlimatic.  

Of course Hudson is always full of sayings that keep us laughing.   The boy is dying to learn to read and after his first day asked me to teach him how to do homework.  Before bedtime we sat down with letters and worked on his name.  When I said it was bedtime he became VERY distressed and said "but I haven't learned to read yet!"  I explained it was a process which he wasn't at all impressed with.  

Friday when I picked him up he was tired and when I asked him how his day was he said "I'm tired of holding that bible everyday, it's a little bit heavy"....Oh boy....what a character.  

We worked several times during the week on the letters for his name and I was SO proud of him when I opened his take home folder Friday and he had three papers with his name clearly written on them.  One day at home he even wrote his middle name!!!  This boy is ready to learn!

I'm looking forward to many firsts this year (and will try not to think about the "lasts").    Tapping into the mom network to learn the ins and outs of homecoming "big public school style".   Sheesh....a far cry from the simpleness of a football game and dance in jeans like when I was a teen....a couple more weeks to prepare...

Hill Country Hyatt 2010

Mark and I figured out that we started going to the Hill Country Resort 10 years ago!!  Mark attends a CLE (continuing legal ed) conference here every summer.   Kailee was just three when we started going and we have only missed one year in the last 10 when Mark worked for a large, very non-family friendly firm....why he lasted less than a year and what led to our adoption...another story, another day....
Over the years we have gone from being with the kids every minute on the lazy river, to letting them roam the resort themselves to losing Jordan on the trip when he entered highschool and started two-a-day soccer practice.  That was the same summer Hudson joined the adventure and we were back to the sandy beach and no leisurely reading for mom all day.   This year we lost Madi as she is now in highschool and started two-a-day vollyball practices.  It was SO WIERD stocking the fridge and pantry with meals and snacks for my two oldest as they stayed by themselves all week.   Jordan made sure Madi got to where she needed to be and then some....their laundry was done and the house was even clean when we got home!!!!  There are pros and cons to them growing up but I really don't like not having us all together for fun times!!!


The Sanza's joined us again this year.  We realized they came with us FOUR years ago when we were both waiting for our referrals.  Pam and I dreamed of the day our kiddos would be playing together and so it was this week. 

  

Big sisters Hannah and Kailee spent hours building sand castles with the boys.  

We also have many good friends in the area as it was where Mark grew up so we loved having Mark's oldest, best friend Trey (whom Jordan Trey is named after) join us with his twin girls.

And Cole joined us also.  Cole's "mimi" lives with Mark's mom and Mark grew up with Stacey (Cole's mom).  We just call them cousins as it is less confusing and we spend all holidays together.  Cole and Hudson are only four months apart as are their older brothers (Jordan and Luke & sister's Kelly and Madi).....they are ALL the best of friends.  Hudson and Cole both have Uncles that live in Alaska (Stacey and Mark's brothers)...they married Alaskan girls that are related......to add a little more confusion, Trey and Stacey are cousins.....(i'm sure ya'll don't care but always feel the need to explain)....REGARDLESS it is so fun to have these four, four year olds playing together...bascially all family....

There was SUCH delight for these two carrying water and destroying the sand castle.  Such simple pleasures bring pure joy!  

....and back again....

Only one more full week for Madi before school starts and then the three others start the following week... SO NOT ready!!!!!