Know Who You Are!!!

This post is in response to an email that came across our cleft palate yahoo group. I started to email my response but it was getting long and I figured there would be some that wouldn't care to read it so I turned it into a post.

Michele, I appreciate your trust in our yahoo group to honestly share your feelings and ask for advice. Sometimes a risky thing to do as people can say hurtful things.

Hudson is 3 and has been home almost a year. He is obviously very behind on speech but doing remarkable and we can understand what he is trying to say most of the time (he acts things out well and uses lots of signs). For others outside of our home it is a different story. He is blessed to have 3 older siblings (16, 13, and 11) that adore him and because of their ages they are beyond the "does he have to be around?" stage. My 13 and 11 yr olds are both girls with mutual friends so there were many (and still are a few) of those remarks you referred to in your email. One thing that has been a standing saying in our house from the time my oldest was a toddler is "You treat your brothers/sisters better than you would anyone else". They knew if their siblings were not treated well, time with friends was/is not permitted. That is a privilege. (I'm not talking about once in a while situations but if it starts to become a pattern which it sometimes did and occasionally still does).

I think what you are seeing with your little ones is so normal and probably at this point has much more to do with their ages and your daughters quest for independence than it is about his speech. On the other hand, I think it is totally within your rights as a parent to use times when kids are rude, unkind or just acting like kids to kindly "teach" them. My son plays with other toddlers (friends of mines kids and at church) and comments have been said out of sheer innocence on their parts. "What happened to his face?'...."Why does he talk like that?".
As a parents I think it is huge for our kids as to how we react to those times. When they see us tense up or get flustered it communicates to them there is something to be upset about. I would always love for that child's parent to deal with the issue at hand but I have seen that parent themselves get so flustered that their child asked the question, they sometimes don't know what to say. I certainly don't want that child to feel ashamed of their question when it is asked in sheer child curiosity and I have said things like "Hudson had part of his mouth missing when he was born. The dr.'s are helping fix it and so he has trouble talking like you do.." That child may say "oh" and move on, no big deal or ask more questions. I am SO ok talking about Hudson's cleft and want him to be ok with it also. He will deal with issues surrounding it probably his whole life and I want him to embrace it rather than be embarrassed by it.

The same goes for my older kids. I want them to be able to handle questions from their friends/peers and so I need to teach them how to do it. I watched from a far my 16 year old at a basketball game the other night. He is new to this school and Hudson was sitting with him and my niece among all the teenagers. I could tell Jordan was explaining to the kids around him about Hudson's scars. I could see his hand gestures pointing to his lip, palate and nose. I thought about how "scary" it was for Jordan when we told him we felt called to SN's and then again the day I showed him Hudson's referral photo. He actually walked away. At the time we didn't know Hudson's lip had been repaired in China (which wouldn't have mattered to us). Jordan shared later how hard it would be to face his peers with Hudson in tow when his face was not "normal", to be totally honest in teenagers terms he said "jacked up". As a mom, this hurt my heart, because I wanted Jordan to see what I saw the second Hudson's referral photo came across my screen. Pure, 100% true love which could so easily look past his cleft and see MY SON. I wanted to scold Jordan for not being kind and yet....we needed to educate him instead. So, when I saw him with his three yr old brother crawling all over him and with no shame educating those around him I was so proud. I dare not think of what would happen if Jordan heard ANYONE say something unkind of his brother. That fear that he had has turned into fierce protection and given him a soft spot for those who are different than he is. We are now working on teaching him NOT to sink to the level of those that say things out of fear and naivety.

Now, for the times when kids are just plain mean....those SO hurt. My 13 yr old has a learning disability which at times really makes her stand out from others. I agree that we can't fight all of our kids battles and great character can be formed when they have to handle hard stuff on their own. ALL of our kids will deal with those times, some more than others. As a parent my hope is that I can equip them to take what is thrown at them and they will grow from it. Sometimes this means standing up for them, other times this means letting them fight it out themselves. That is where wisdom and some heavy prayer comes in. I also believe that at times our kids NEED to see us standing up for them. We should never be mean or condescending back (and I have wanted to) but confidently and boldly say "That was not a kind way to act...."..etc...They need to know we are their biggest allies. At times that means standing in front of them at other times it means encouraging them to stand up for themselves and standing silently behind them (figuratively).

I have worked with teens for years as a youth leader and teaching an abstinence program. One thing that is key to their success for purity is being prepared. Knowing what their plan is going to be well before they are in a situation so they aren't taken by surprise. As we all know, it is at those times when we start to run on emotions and feelings when things usually don't turn out well. I know when I think through how I will handle a situation I am much more likely to respond well than when I am taken by suprise. I think as adults with kids with SN's we need to do the same thing. Prepare ourselves because stares, questions and rudeness will come and know how we will respond to each situation so we don't react and look like a fool or walk away feeling bad we didn't say anything. I have heard kids say things in stores, etc. and I know Hudson wasn't at all tuned in and oblivious to the whole thing. Unless they ask me directly I usually just act like I didn't hear it. Hudson didn't and I can let it roll off my back.

I am no where near having all the answers, I have made many mistakes but learned a lot through them and the BIGGEST thing I have learned thus far as far as parenting goes is when I am all bent out of shape over an issue where my child is concerned I usually turn it into something about me rather than them. Whether it be not getting invited to sleepover, not getting the best grade, having to sit on the bench, etc. I usually am more upset than they are and so what does that say about me? I have had the harsh reality hit me in the face that I am extremely prideful and am not ok with who they are at that given moment. Please don't hear me wrong. I ADORE my kids and think they are all incredible and the fact that God gave them to me to parent is so humbling. BUT, I am human. I want the whole world to think of them what I do and the honest truth is, they probably wont because they don't love them like I do...and they don't see them like I do. I strive to be so confident in who GOD has designed them to be and not who I try to design them to be.

I am doing Beth Moore's Esther study and this week in her video she introduced Esther, who was an orphan, and eventually became Queen Esther. One of her points was "HE takes your past and turns it into your future". Hudson's cleft palate was probably the reason he was abandoned. As much as I hate to think of that day shortly after he was born when he was left alone in a box I have to thank God that that day a decision was made that affected his future and ours. There is not an ounce of shame in that. We know our kids work so hard to talk and understand with what they have had to overcome so far and they are ROCK STARS!!! THAT is what we need to communicate to those that don't understand. And truly, for most of them, those mean and hurtful words come out of a place of fear. When we are confident in our children they will be confident. Sometimes that means coming to their defense, other times it means talking through it with them later after they have fought their own battle (or preparing them to go into one) and other times it means letting hurtful words fall to the ground and walking right over them.

The one thing I want my teen girls I work with and my own kids to grasp is to KNOW WHO YOU ARE IN THE LORD!!!! It will change the way they do life. When we can grasp what God says about us rather than what the world says about us we can come up against anything. The world will always measure us against their standards which are always changing. We need to measure ourselves by who He says we are.

I am sure you are doing a great job Michele. I am blessed by anyone who chooses to parent a child despite what the world would see as imperfection. That in itself says a ton about who you are!!!!! Thanks again for sharing your struggles. You are not alone in them!!!!