How Beautiful

I am enjoying what is one of my favorite things that so rarely happens. We are home from Jordan's soccer game, both the girls are at friends houses, Hudson is sleeping and the house is quiet. It is Friday night so no reason to get up early in the morning. It is the end to what has been one of the most character building weeks for ALL of us. I could write for two hours on the things we are dealing with but for the sake of the privacy of my family I will not go into all of that.

To put it into perspective....Mark went to law school when Jordan was a year old so we moved to a new city, he worked full time and went to school at night because he was determined to keep me as a stay at home mom (although I did babysit to make ends meet). We had NO money and added two more kids to the mix (both born during finals in April, ONLY God could have timed that one). It was very hard to be far from family and good friends. We did have THE MOST incredible small group ever, friends who were absolutely life saving for us and are who we call "good people" . That group was truly our family for 4 1/2 years and loved us like no other! (We love and miss you Roger and Patty!!) Mark chose to go to Tulsa for school because it was one of the only schools that still allowed students to work full time while going to school. When I went to an orientation for law school students, spouses I was told that most marriages DO NOT survive law school and after 3 1/2 years we understood why. Now let me brag on my husband here. Mark chose NOT to do Law Revue or any of the other "things" that look good on resume's because frankly he did not have time and needed to give ANY time he had to Jordan and I....and the girls as they came along. He made a commitment to NEVER study on a Friday night so we could spend the time together. It usually meant going to Cici's with the few dollars we managed to hold on to for this very occasion. Most of our time spent together was staying up all night as he wrote long papers and I typed them. He didn't take the prep course that prepares you for the bar because we didn't have the money for it but was given the many THICK books from a friend and saved his paternity leave after Kailee was born until the summer. That summer I packed up our then 5 yr old, 2 yr old and 2 month old for 3 weeks in MN as he stayed home and studied the entire time on his own. He passed the bar the FIRST time, something not all of his classmates did do and was given three job offers within a month of job hunting while other classmates spent MONTHS looking for work. Mark would be the FIRST to tell you that it was all the Lord and of course I agree but I truly believe that God has always given favor to Mark because of the kind of man he is, FULL of integrity. Although those were incredibly tough times they were SO very sweet. One of Mark's good friends from law school's, parents would come visit often. His dad was a dr. and when they came to town they would love on us also. Bringing Jordan gifts, taking us out to eat and just spending time with us. One day Brian's mom and I were talking when she said, for no reason, "Sharon, I know how hard these days are, I lived them while Mr. was going through medical school but you will look back on them and want to return". I remember thinking at the time "no way!!" but I think of her words often as they are SO true. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE our life but it is so much more complicated than those days.

I do have a point to all of this. This morning I was driving the 50 minute drive I do weekly to take Hudson to speech therapy. I have never struggled with panic but was feeling a big panicky as I thought over the last several days. You know when you were little and you got sick and all you wanted was your mom to take care of you?.......that is how I have felt. Wanting to just shut the door to all that is going on and escape BUT..oh wait, I am all grown up and there is no crawling in bed and pulling the covers over my head. SO...I said "Lord, I need to know you are here and see all of this". I spent a few moments in prayer and then turned on the radio. I had Mark's car which is almost always on Sports radio but this time he had a Chris Tomlin CD playing and I began to worship. OK, I was feeling better. That ended and I began to flip through the radio stations. Now, I LOVE good teachings and would rather listen to that than music most of the time. Typically I can't find any good teachings on the radio (due to where we live) but the first station I turned on was a teaching on one of the many character building issues of the week. "Ok God, maybe you do see us". That was over, commercials, so I hit the seek button. Next station, another teaching on another crisis of the week. "Wow! K,,, You have my attention". To back up a minute I started praying for just PURE JOY a few weeks ago. There is so much heaviness going on in our country now, I work at a place that deals with a lot of heavy issues each day (abortion, teen pregnancies, STD's, rapes, etc)...AND I have two teenagers....need I say more..(smile)....I want to just have JOY and laughter!!! Next teaching was a guy who teaches in YWAM (An organization I did mission work with during my college years) and one of my favorite teachers. Hadn't heard him in years but he is SO funny and I laughed out loud several times!!! SO,,, get to speech, do a few errands and head for home. Same thing happens.....EVERY radio station it stopped on after I hit seek would be another teaching on one of the many issues we have dealt with this week. And it hits me that I am driving with a smile on my face and am feeling PURE JOY....when really, I should be freaking out. Like I said, it has been a VERY heavy week and actually, past few months.

During all of this I keep remembering things, or I should say, God was bringing to rememberance things, I hadn't thought of in years. One is this song (How Beautiful) I love this song and it is what I walked down the aisle to on our wedding day. Then law school days....then fall growing up in MN... (which is my FAVORITE TIME of the year and oh how I miss, those northern fall days). Then I thought about how simple life was when Jordan was Hudson's age. We could spend ALL morning at the park or playing lego's or having picnic lunches with friends, or staying in PJ's until 1 pm!!!!!!!!! I could go DAYS without getting in the car!!

As I was pulling into town the last teaching was a doozy!! It was like the Lord had started me out just letting me know He SEES it all, then encouraged me, then gave me some laughter then reminded me how He has been with me through it all, FOR YEARS!!!, through the good, the bad and the ugly, then He got really serious with me. I happened to glance in the rear view mirror about this time and saw the sweet smiling face of Hudson jabbering to himself and looking out the sun roof and God said....."Yes, these days are hard, they are lonely, the issues your kids face stink and you hurt for them.....I have brought to remembrance ALL of these things to remind you of My faithfulness". And then I realized why life was so simple back then. I lived my life in a safe bubble like Hudson lives in now. My kids were safe and not yet bruised and beaten by a cruel, unkind, unfair world full of people who are flawed just like I am. With all that we are dealing with, Hudson is totally oblivious, he trusts us and doesn't look past the minute he is in, he doesn't need to and he lives with pure Joy!
Hmmmm, was I hearing what He was saying? And then He said:

"....we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that our suffering produces perseverance; perseverance CHARACTER; and character hope. And HOPE does not disapoint us!" Romans 5:3-5.

Hope does not disapoint us but people do, ....because they are flawed like I am. The last teaching wasn't really a teaching at all but an interview with Henry Blackabee's son. He said "We want to know what the future holds and yet God only reveals to us what He knows we can handle at the time. OH HOW TRUE!!! Had I known 20 years ago what I would experience over the next 20 years....hello........I would have given up then (and missed out on SO much good) BUT....in His infinite wisdom He doesn't reveal it. Mark and I came out of law school bruised and worn out but with more growth in those 4 years than we had had in the previous 14. We asked the Lord to never let us forget where we had come from and to always allow "hard stuff" so we could stay dependent on Him. The Lord reminded me of this today also........ouch.....

I didn't post this as a sob story or to cause worry about us (mom) but as one of Thanksgiving. He is doing a new thing and although it hurts right now we are determined to allow God to use ALL of it (for it is several different things) to build character in us...and so, thank you Lord for reminding me:

How beautiful The Feet that walked the long dusty roads and the hill t0 the cross;
The Heart that bled, that took all my sin and bore it instead;
The Hands that choose to forgive and never dispise;

And may:

we live just as HE died, willing to pay the price with humble hearts,
giving the fruit of pure life so that others may live
with FEET THAT BRING the sound of good news and the love of the king!